Trick #1…The Bacon Wrapped Filet

Three of the best words you could possibly combine. It’s low in carbs and high in class. Don’t think we just sat around and thought of ways to manipulate our balls. No, we’ve taken in consideration that you should have the chance to customize your tricks appropriate to your social settings. Bacon Wrapped Filet brings a little “class” to your quiver of ball tricks. Your initial thought, like ours… weddings! Your best man at the wedding may think this is “inappropriate”, on the contrary, we’ve seen the craziest things happen at weddings; we’d actually expect, nay, be shocked if someone did not pull this off…during the ceremony.

Think about incorporating this move when asking someone out to dinner, after all, who doesn’t like going out for burgers?

Trick #2…Punching Bags

With such an emphasis on health these days, we too felt it appropriate to do our part in supporting cardiovascular activity; thus we encourage performing this amazing feat after eating a complete balanced meal of whatever it is you consider balanced. Combining both the mind and the body, prepare to feel both physically and mentally enlightened after executing this top- notch performance; we sometimes feel smarter and healthier just standing next to someone achieving this move. So, if you want to impress your friends with your newly sculpted figure and Zen like attitude, integrate “Punching Bags” into your daily routine.

We recommend working out with a friend.

Trick #3…The Skin Watch

Remember that sign in class…”Time will pass, but will you?” Well Ha, Ha! We did pass, and now we’re giving Father Time a whole new make-over. The secret is to show this trick to people who still wear a watch (those numbers are becoming less and less.) Most people check the time by looking at their phones. We highly recommend you DO NOT try to make a Skin Phone…this could result in major injury (but if you do pull this off, let us know.) So, when your buddy asks for the time, give him what he asks for…a Skin Watch. He’ll laugh, you’ll laugh, there will be a moment of uncomfortable silence…but you know it was well worth it!

Trick #4…The Flat Tire

We all hate flat tires…at least we used to, until now. This move, if performed correctly, can impress even the most skeptical. Take a little time to practice this nifty maneuver before you start bragging to your friends. If done incorrectly, you’re going to put a lot of work into a move only to be shunned by your friends for masturbating in public. The directions say “balls”, as in plural, or having two nuts, though we believe this can still be performed with those “single- nut” owners. Those with three balls, well, this trick should be the least of your worries. I’ve met people with a single nut, but never anyone with three…I wonder what that’s like?

Trick #5…The Flying Squirrel

Like so many, we’ve been deprived of seeing the infamous flying squirrels (outside of nature shows that is). So we dedicate this trick to the first squirrel who took it upon himself to change the evolutionary process. Can you imagine the nuts (pun intended) on the first squirrel who took that leap? It’s now time for you to take evolution into your own hands and let your inner-squirrel loose once and for all. You, like the first squirrel, maybe be criticized initially for this feat, but know deep down your motives are far greater than a cheap laugh from your friends. Let’s see who’s laughing in a million years when this trick becomes so passé because everyone’s sack has evolved to perform the Flying Squirrel…even in cold weather! The degree of difficulty for this one is great, but so was that first leap…here’s to you contributing to the evolutionary process! Fly squirrel…fly!

Trick #6…The Road Map

Sick of pulling over and asking for directions? Are you tired of that annoying GPS voice telling you to exit while passing your exit, only to correct you in a demeaning voice when you’re going the wrong way? No longer will you need to rely on directions from people who try to help, but can’t tell their right from their left. No longer will you have to take crap from the “I’m too good for you” GPS. Put the power in your own hands, and never get lost again. Looking for directions has never been so much fun!

We highly encourage you to pull over when performing this move.

Note: The only way to pull this trick off successfully it to turn the lights off and grab a flashlight.

Trick #7…Gum Shorts

Ahhh…Gum Shorts; this should bring some of you back to sipping Kool-Aid and watching “Gleaming the Cube”, while your sack hangs out of your too short JimmyZ shorts. This once accidental maneuver has evolved into a nostalgic oldie but goodie that continues to surprise your friends and keeps them guessing if “it” really is gum or not hanging from your zipper. You’ll find your less intelligent buddies are even willing to help you remove the “gum” so be aware when showing this off post happy hour.

Trick #8…The Windsurfer

Hands down, this a great trick to begin your “sack trick” (non- paying) career. This is a great maneuver to start with before transitioning into the more complex moves (such as Flat Tire). That said, don’t underestimate the power or complexity of this trick, as it’s not for the timid; you’ll find your greatest amount of exposure when performing this move, both emotionally and physically. After the initial shock, comes “aftershock”, in the form of laughter. The secret is to discern the laughs – are they laughing with you…or at you? Trust us…the harassment will only build your confidence going into the more complex maneuvers as your buddies will grow green with envy (most likely from too much alcohol consumption). Enjoy this recession friendly trick as it costs a hell of a lot less than the actual process of windsurfing.

Trick #9…The Brain

We decided to take the whole “this is your brain on drugs” infomercial to the next level; “these are your balls, these are your balls looking like a brain…any questions?” To further damage an already over-played cliché, “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” – so should you not judge those who attempt this amazing feat in front of their peers, or colleagues. C’mon, how many of us have gone out drinking with our associates…there’s always “that guy” – the one who takes it to the next level, even when the executives are around. Well my friends…now’s the time for you to be “that guy.” Executing “The Brain”, like many first impressions, can lead to one of two things: 1) a major promotion within your organization based on your total confidence for performing such a task in front of your boss and co-workers or 2) the likelihood that you will transition from your current position to manager of janitorial services. Nowadays, that may not be such a bad gig.

Trick #10…The Hamburger

Everyone loves hamburgers; it’s almost a scientific fact. Ever posed with the question, “If you had the choice between pizza or hamburgers, which would you choose?” Most people actually chose pizza, so I guess that means pizza is truly everyone’s favorite food. Fact is anyone can shape their sack and balls in the shape of a triangle, so we’re sticking with the hamburger. If you want to incorporate some protein without the carbs into your friend’s field of vision, give this a shot.

Think about incorporating this move when asking someone out to dinner, after all, who doesn’t like going out for burgers?